||[Sep. 4th, 2006//09:59 am]
|[||what am i listening to?
|||||ANGELS AND AIRWAVES it hurts.||]|
there is this really sullen feeling hanging over my house this morning. i don't know what it is or why i feel it, but it sucks. i wish there was someone online right now. i wish i didn't have to wait till 5 tonight to see my brother, even though i'm still kind of pissed at him. i'm nauseous and have the shivers.
i drove past blakes house on the way home from mindy's last night. the lighting inside was warm and there were multiple cars in the driveway. i cried, it's sad that he can't be there with them. his death is still hitting me hard. i have no idea why. i drive past his grave all the time, waiting for them to put his headstone up.
i want to say things, inspirational things. i want to give the best advice someone has ever received. i want to be able to listen fully. i want to be everything to someone. i want to be someone that the person before wasn't. i want to be looked up to. i want someone to see something in me that i don't see in myself. i want words to form and make sense. i want to be missed. i want to be greater than i ever expected myself to be. i want to be someone's best friend. i don't want to be me anymore.